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I recently came back from a jog. I’m amazed to state those words. I believe it was likely a decade since my last. Yet I found out recently that I have elevated cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to do sweaty exercise frequently.

It’s the initial instance in living memory that the driving force to work out has been my health status. In my youth, I exercised because I desired to slim down. At times I ran to manage nervousness – I was merely escaping from the worry, instead of dealing with it. On other occasions, I jogged because I sought to get better with jogging. This was the meaning to me then to build a better life.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the ways I’ve related with my body during my years and how this is changing as I progress from being a young person to middle age. I don’t think I’ve respected my body, not truly. I’ve appreciated it just for its functions and the objectives it fulfilled for me: trying to attract others; dodging sentiments; running a faster five kilometers. Until today, I hadn’t realized that my body is me, it is my life, instead of something that produces results.

A great deal has been written through history about the split between body and mind – which it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis now. What resonated most fascinating is the Freudian perspective that consciousness and physique are naturally unified right from the start, because physical development requires psychological development and the reverse is true. The infant’s physical sensations – for example the bodily feeling of hunger – propel the mind to develop the ability to perceive hunger as a sensation that is alleviated by eating; and the psychological solace and satisfaction consistently provided by feed after feed feeds the infant’s psyche in the same way the food fuels them physically. Similarly psychological experiences – like the urge to stand up and attain a goal, and the resolve to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method the body develops power. From our earliest moments, mind and body are interlinked in shared growth as connected as a double helix.

However I have noticed, in sessions with my psychoanalyst, that mental and physical aspects can be in a distinct connection – a more separated and more exploitative. My psyche might utilize my body to retain and display things that my psyche deems undesirable or unbearable. In my sessions we’ve become aware that exist particular emotional states that I am afraid I can’t handle; instead of experiencing them psychologically, I unconsciously shift them into my body, becoming trapped as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – not connected to my diet, but was a form of physical reflux of the more acidic feelings I failed to handle in my mind. This was not an intentional act, but when it was brought to my attention through therapy, and my anxiety and sensitivity and frustration and alarm were experienced and put into words in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues today.

The toughest period I experienced this severe heartburn, I didn’t sleep for multiple consecutive nights. It seemed I was slipping away from my sanity. I went a general practitioner, who organised various scans and tests, but there was nothing medically abnormal. It was a different physician who informed me that the origin might be mental. My therapist concurred. I was surprised, but I also felt it was correct.

When a patient experiences a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted upon hearing that there might be a mental root. They can experience this as being disrespected, hearing that their symptom isn’t real. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – individuals may experience their pain discounted or incorrectly identified. But in some cases it might be that the corporeal issues exist – certainly – and the source is emotional, the unconscious employing the physique to convey certain suffering or rage or whatever emotion the mind cannot tolerate. At times, it’s easy to think our emotions is only valid if manifested as bodily symptoms. We continually disrespect our psychological well-being personally, collectively and as a culture; for what reason can we allow the shocking reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy through health services?

Life lessons have shown me that an improved existence is unattainable while caught without realization in modes of connection, inside us and with others, that stem from disrespect, manipulation and exchange. These interactions are often easier to spot “out there” in wider society. It’s likely less comfortable to reflect on their origins, and to recognise these patterns within ourselves and among loved ones, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

However persistence pays off. Upon wearing my running shoes once more post a long hiatus, going outside without aiming for a better body, or to escape a sensation, or to improve a 5km time, {it